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| Sister Mary and Sister Agnes were driving along one day
in Sister Mary's car, when all of a sudden a vampire bat landed on the
windshield. Sister Mary was astonished and frightened. "Oh, my goodness!
What should I do?" she asked.
"Do yer windshield wipers work?" asked Sister Agnes. "Why, yes," replied Sister Mary. "Well, turn on yer windshield wipers," suggested Sister Agnes. So Sister Mary turned on the windshield wipers, but it failed to dislodge the bat. "NOW what do I do?" she asked. "Do ya have fluid in yer windshield sprayer?" asked Sister Agnes. "Why, yes," replied Sister Mary. "In fact, it's holy water, from the Vatican." "Then spray the bat with it," suggested Sister Agnes. So Sister Mary activated the windshield sprayers, but it failed to dislodge the bat. "NOW what do I do?" she asked. "Do ya have yer rosary with ya?" asked Sister Agnes. "Why, yes," replied Sister Mary. "Well, show him yer cross," suggested Sister Agnes. So Sister Mary rolled down the window and leaned out, and she shouted "Hey, you frickin' bat! Get off my damn car!" |
| Question: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
Answer: To get to the same side. |
| A woman stepped onto a bus holding a baby. The bus driver
said, "Lady, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman
slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear
of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked
up. The man seated next to her sensed her agitation and asked her what
was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's exactly what you should do," the man said. "Here, I'll hold your monkey for you." |
| Q. What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vendor?
A. Can you make me one with everything? |
| One Halloween night a man opened his door to find a cute kid wearing a pirate costume. "Well, well! And who are you supposed to be, little man?" he inquired. "I'm Long John Silver," the boy replied. "I see! Well, Mr. Silver, where are your buccaneers?" the man asked. "Under my buckin' hat," said the kid. |
| When an eel bites your thigh as you're just swimming by that's a moray. |
| A magician is winding down to the end of a performance,
and in preparation for his final trick, he asks for a volunteer from the
audience. A man comes up, and the magician says, "Okay, now I'm going to
lay my head down on this block, and when I say 'abra-cadabra', I want you
to smack the side of my head with this sledgehammer." The magician kneels
carefully, positions his head on the block, and says, "Abra-cadabra!" And
the guy from the audience winds up and smacks him on the side of the head
with the hammer. The magician crumples to the stage, unconscious, and goes
into a deep coma.
Ten years later, he wakes up in the hospital, looks at the nurse, and says, "TA - DAA!!!" |
| General Custer and his scout are on top of a hill overlooking a peaceful prairie scene when they hear drums begin to beat ominously in the distance. General Custer says, "I don't like the sound of those drums!" The scout listens for a moment and says "That's not their normal drummer." |
| A man goes to see the doctor. He touched his chest and said, "It hurts when I touch myself here." He touched his forehead and said, "It hurts when I touch myself here." He touched his chin and said, "It hurts when I touch myself here, too." The doctor said, "I think your finger's broken." |
| It's a hot summer day. Three drunks are fishing on a lake
in northern Minnesota. As the afternoon wears on, they get more and more
drunk, and finally, on a spectacular cast, one of them falls overboard
and sinks below the surface. The other two guys look at each other and
realize that their friend isn't coming back up without assistance, so they
jump in to save him. It takes a while, and when they finally get him back
into the boat, they can see that he's not breathing. "We'll have to do
CPR," they decide, and for a while they take turns thumping on his chest
and giving him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. After a while, one of them
leans back and says, "Wow. I don't remember him having such bad breath."
"Yeah," says the other one. "And you know, I don't remember him wearing that snowmobile suit, either." |
| Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain
and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew
became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red
shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which
the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look of experience and wisdom, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, this time ten of them, all fiercely armed and approaching at great speed. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for direction. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!" |
| A chicken and an egg were lying next to each other in bed. The chicken was smoking a cigarette, and with a very pissed-off look the egg said, "Well... I guess that answers THAT old question!" |
| An elderly man moved into a nursing home. After he'd been there a few days, a nurse noticed him leaning to the right, and strapped his left arm to the chair. A few days later, she noticed him leaning to the left, and strapped his right arm to the chair. Not long after that, she noticed him leaning forward in his chair, so she strapped him to the back of the chair. His daughter came to visit him. "How do you like this place?" she asked him. "It's not bad," he replied, "except they won't let me fart." |
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