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| A senior citizen had just bought a new hearing aid. He
was very excited, telling a friend about how wonderful it was, how well
it was working. He raved on and on. "What a difference! How have I gotten
along without it? Everybody should have one of these!"
So his friend asked "What kind is it?" The old man looked at his watch and said, "Quarter to seven. Why?" |
| A Lion was walking through the jungle and met a Zebra.
"Do you know who the king of the jungle is?" he asked the Zebra. "You are
the king of the jungle," replied the Zebra.
The Lion kept walking and came upon a Gorilla. The Lion roared and said, "Gorilla, do you know who the king of the jungle is?" The Gorilla said, "Lion, you are the king of the jungle." Next the Lion met an Elephant. He asked the Elephant if he knew who the king of the jungle was. Without ado, the Elephant reached down with his trunk, grabbed the Lion by the tail, and slammed him up against the nearest tree. The Lion, dazed, got to his feet and said, "Geez, you don't have to get mad just because you didn't know the answer." |
| A thirteen-year old boy walked into a pharmacy. "How much
is it for one condom?", he asked the pharmacist. "Sorry, son, but they
only come in packs of three and they're $3.50," said the pharmacist. "Darn,"
said the disappointed boy, "I don't have enough money. And today I was
planning on getting lucky with my new girlfriend." "Well," said the pharmacist,
"in that case you can take a box for free." "Gee, thanks!!!" yelled the
boy as he dashed out the door holding the box of condoms.
That night, he was at his girlfriends' house, and everyone was seated at the dinner table, ready to eat. They all said grace with bowed heads, and then they began eating. As dinner progressed, the girl noticed that the boy's head was still bowed. "I didn't know you were so religious," she whispered to her young boyfriend, impressed. "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist," was his reply. |
| A priest was walking down a neighborhood street when he spied a young boy struggling to reach the doorbell of a large house. He walked up the sidewalk, patted the young boy warmly on the shoulder, and pushed the doorbell. Smiling at the lad, he said, "Glad to be of service, my son." Whereupon the young boy replied, "Thanks, Mister. Now run like hell!" |
| A tourist and a local come to an intersection at the same time in the back hills of Arkansas. As they was inspecting the damage the Arkansan says to the tourist, "This really done shook me up. I am going to have to take a pull on the jug." He reaches behind his seat and pulls out a jug of home brew. He offers it to the tourist, who takes a long pull and then hands it back to the local. who promptly put it back into the truck. The tourist said, "Aren't you going to drink any?" The local said, "Naw. Leastwise, not until after the trooper gets here." |
| Two little kids decide it's time to learn how to swear. So the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say 'ass' and I'll say 'hell'." Excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room. Then she turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" she asks. "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios." |
| A snail was walking across a driveway. A man pulled up in his car, got out, saw the snail, and kicked it to kingdom come. Ten years later, the man is in his house and hears a knock at the door. He opens the door, but no one is there. Looking down, he sees a snail. The snail looks up at him and says "So what was THAT all about?" |
| A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have
this problem that I am always passing gas. At least it doesn't smell bad,
but it does sometimes make a little noise, and it's affecting my social
life." The doctor gives him some pills, and asks him to return the following
week.
The man returns a week later and says, "Those pills didn't help at all. In fact, they made things worse. I still pass gas as much as I ever did, but now it smells something terrible." To which the doctor replies, "Good, good. Okay, now that we have your nose working again, let's do something about that gas." |
| A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair
on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.
"What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?" "Twenty-six," he said. |
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