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General jokes, 2 of 3.

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" 

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."


The park ranger made a shocking discovery while passing through a tourist's campsite. "Sir! That's a California condor! You're not supposed to eat those, they're almost extinct!" 

The camper was properly apologetic. "I'm sorry -- it was an accident. I was just walking along the trail, and my gun went off, and this thing fell out of the sky right in front of me. I didn't want it to go to waste, so I cooked it."

The ranger considered this for a moment. Finally, he ventured, "Well, I guess I can let it go this time, but try to be more careful in the future." As he stood there, a thoughtful look crossed his face. "Say, now I'm curious. What does condor taste like?" 

The camper shrugged. "Well, actually, it tastes a little like spotted owl."


A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. 

The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"


A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists, and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.' Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says 'OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!' This catches the engineer's complete attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. 

The programmer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' The engineer doesn't say a word, reaches in to his wallet, pull out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the programmer. Now it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer: 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The programmer looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. 

After over an hour, he wakes the engineer and hands him $50. The engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The programmer, more that a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks, 'Well, so what IS the answer?' Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and goes back to sleep.


This Russian man decided he would like to buy a car. He phones the Lada factory and asks, "How long do I have to wait for a car if I place my order immediately?"

The salesman replies, "Your car will be delivered in five years, . . . let me see . . ., that will be a Monday in September."

"Will that be in the morning or the afternoon?" inquires the man.

"When you've waited five years, what does it matter whether the car arrives in the morning or the afternoon?!"

"Because in the morning, the plumber is coming."


A man walks into Joe's Barbershop for his regular haircut. As Joe begins the haircut, he asks the man, "What's new?" The man replies, "Well, I'm going to go to Rome for a vacation." 

"ROME?" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded, dirty city full of Italians!

You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," the man replies.

"TWA?" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?"

The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."

"That DUMP!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow, and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"

The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican, and actually, I hope to see the Pope."

"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"

"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had fantastic service from a beautiful flight attendant!"

"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."

"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"

"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"

"Actually, I had some remarkable luck. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into a private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after a few minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

Impressed, Joe asks, "Wow! What'd he say?" 

"Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that awful haircut?'"


This one little boy just couldn't seem to learn. One day the teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence, and the boy said he didn't know.

For over a week, the teacher asked him the same question and each day the boy couldn't come up with the right answer. Finally, she called the boy's parents for a conference. "I don't know why, but your son either can't or won't tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence," said the teacher.

"Come over here and sit down son." said the father. "Now I don't want you to lie to me. If you signed the damn thing, admit it and let's get out of here."

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general jokes 1
general jokes 2
general jokes 3
dumb jokes
risque jokes
bizarre jokes
linguistics jokes
parrot jokes!
religion jokes
legends
war b/w sexes
my own humor