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| When the golfer shanked his first tee shot into the woods,
his partner muttered, "That's a lost ball."
"No way," responded the errant shooter. "That's a special ball you can't lose. First it makes a beeping sound, and if you still can't find it, it emits puffs of smoke. If it lands in water," he continued, "it sends out a stream of bubbles, but if it's too deep to reach, a floatation device brings it to the surface. It's impossible to lose." "That's amazing," his partner said. "Where can I get one?" "I don't really know." Puzzled, his friend asked, "Well, where did you get yours?" "I found it." |
| A man who smelled like a distillery flopped onto a subway
seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered
with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his
torn coat pocket. He opened a newspaper and began turning the pages. After
reading for a few minutes he turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father,
what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "Well, actually I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does." |
| Client: "This is the first time I've ever needed a lawyer.
How much would you charge me if all I had were three questions?"
Lawyer: "A hundred bucks." Client: "A HUNDRED DOLLARS... Is that ETHICAL?" Lawyer: "Of course it is. Now what's your third question?" |
| An airplane lands at an airport with great difficulty,
stopping just short of an accident. When they arrive at the gate, the captain
wipes his brow and says, "My God, that's the shortest runway I've ever
seen!"
"You're not kidding," says his co-pilot, looking out the window. "But it sure is wide." |
| Three construction workers are sitting on a high beam having lunch when they start a discussion on what's the world's greatest invention. The first worker says it must be the telephone. You can call anyone, anywhere in the world at anytime. The second worker says it must be the television. You can get live pictures broadcast from anywhere in the world to cover any event. The last worker says the greatest invention must be the Thermos bottle. It keeps the hot things hot and the cold things cold. His buddies say, "big deal, what's so great about that?" He replys, "How does it know?" |
| An elderly couple was sitting together in a nursing home. Bored, the woman said to the man, "Say, I bet I can guess your age." The man replied, "I'd like to see that." She said, "Okay, then, but before I can guess, you'll have to take your clothes off." Curious, he stood up and took off his clothes. Then she said, "Now turn around a few times." He shrugged and turned around a few times. She watched carefully, and then said, "You're 87." He was astonished. "That's amazing! How did you know?" She said "You told me yesterday." |
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