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| A burglar was moving quietly in a dark house one night when he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." He froze immediately, and after a minute of holding perfectly still, he began to wonder whether he had only imagined the voice. He opened a drawer and began removing silverware, and again he heard the voice: "Jesus is watching you." Again he froze in the darkness, and as soon as he began moving again, he heard the voice a third time: "Jesus is watching you." Looking around, he saw no other person, but finally noticed a parrot in a cage, in the moonlight near the window. "Hey, parrot," he said softly. "Was that you saying 'Jesus is watching you'?"
The parrot said, "Yep." The man said, "Well, you're a very smart parrot. What's your name?" The parrot replied, "Clarence." At this the man began laughing. "'Clarence'? 'Clarence'? What idiot would name a parrot 'Clarence'?" The parrot replied, "Same idiot who named the Rottweiler 'Jesus'." |
| A woman brought her two parrots in to the taxidermist.
She explained that they had been with her for many years, and had both
suddenly died, within minutes of one another.
"Could you please stuff them for me?" she enquired. "Of course, madam," came the reply. "Would you like them mounted?" "No, I think just holding hands would do." |
| So there's this guy with a parrot that swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "Quit it!!!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din: the bird kicks and claws and thrashes. But then it suddenly gets very quiet... At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezerdoor. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "Oh, and by the way, what did that chicken in there do?" |
| A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself
to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean -- with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said, "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?" |
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