The war between the sexes.

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While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The woman accidentally left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were a long way down the highway. The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "Well, while you're in there, I guess you might as well get my hat, too."

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a pair of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. 

"Please allow me to help," she said. "I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." 

"Er --", the man started to say. "No, I insist," she replied. 

"But --" "I insist," she repeated, and despite his objections, she gently moved his hands to the side and loosened his pants. Then she put her hands inside and began to massage him. After a moment she asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "Well, it feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."


A young man said to his girlfriend's father, "I realize this is only a formality, but would you mind me marrying your daughter?" 

"Who says it's only a formality?" asked the father angrily. 

"Her obstetrician," replied the young man.


Stationed on a remote Pacific island, a Marine writes to his wife that he needs something to while away the hours so he won't be preoccupied with all the beautiful native women. His wife sends him a harmonica and suggests he learn to play. A year later he finally returns home and says, "Baby, I'm so love-starved! Let's go to bed right now!" "Sure," she says. "But first, play me something on the harmonica."

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. 

There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag." 

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her. 

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold.." 

He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." 

This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married." 

The nun said, "That's fine by me." 

To which the priest yelled out, "Great. Get up and get your own stupid blanket!"


A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. 

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." 

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband at least several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." 

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" 

"I'm sorry, honey," she replied. "He says you're going to die."


The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly man. His clothes were disheveled and he looked tired and poor. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I would like to see Natalie, please," said the old man. The madam could not quite contain her sneer. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would like to see someone else." 

"No, I must see Natalie," he insisted. Just then Natalie appeared. She appraised the man in a single glance, and before he could speak a word, she informed him that her usual price was $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, he reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, after which the man calmly left. 

The next night he appeared again, and again he asked to see Natalie. Natalie was surprised; at her rates, no one had ever come back two nights in a row. "But there are no discounts," she told him. "The fee will be $1000." Again the old man counted out the required sum, the two went up to the room, and an hour later he calmly left. 

When he showed up for a third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money, and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie could not help asking him: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" "I am from Minsk," he answered. 

"Really?" said Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there." 

"Yes, I know," replied the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."


A man went to see the doctor. After the diagnosis, the doctor said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you like. The man's brain is $100,000.00 and the woman's brain is $30,000.00." 

The patient could not help but ask, "Why the price difference between the male and the female brain?" 

"Because the female brain has been used."


A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. 

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. 

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. 

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. 

When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

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general jokes 1
general jokes 2
general jokes 3
dumb jokes
risque jokes
bizarre jokes
linguistics jokes
parrot jokes!
religion jokes
legends
war b/w sexes
my own humor